I can't believe that just 8 hours after I said I'm happy, my eyes are red and swollen from crying... Don't normally pen down upsetting events but it seems now that I care more about having an outlet to vent my unhappiness than appearing coherent and smart and strong.

Deleted this whole chunk of blabber. On second thoughts perhaps I should not write things that I might regret the next day, and harm the parties involved. Oh my gosh, what have become of me.....

I hate this.

I hate how the words repeat themselves in my head.
I hate how the scenes cause horrifying mental images once I shut my eyes.
I hate how the tears flow non-stop for hours.
I hate how nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone...

I don't think there's any other moment in my life when I feel as incapable and useless as this.

If you love me, please, don't ask any more questions and just let me be...

Though work is piling up, and the items on my checklist seem to grow every day, and my wallet is thinning, and I'm feeling fat as usual... I'm in quite a good mood tonight, and by that I mean I'm really happy, just sitting here, shrugging off work for the moment, and taking in the serenity of this cold and peaceful night. Strawberry ice-cream will be perfect. :)

I'll be back! ♥

Other than annoying menstrual cramps, the one thing I hate most about having the period has got to be how the hormonal changes potentially affect my entire emotional and psychological well-being, for that five days or so anyway. During the period, I always seem to have esteem issues - I'll be painfully aware of the water weight I'm gaining, the bloatedness of my tummy, and how I look fat in everything I wear. And when I'm not suffering from another bout of cramps, I tend to think too much about the most trivial of things. When I'm upset, the unhappy feeling intensifies, and I weep too easily.

Hmm. This is quite a revelation, sorry if you felt uncomfortable reading this. Haha.

For the record, I don't normally whine like this / behave this way, I'll be okay in a couple of days. :)

Second week into my final semester at TP... Somehow I'm forced to consider what comes after this, and I'm feeling quite worried that I might make a bad choice. Should I continue with my studies? If so, how do I secure a place in a local university (I may dislike the mainstream education system here, but what choice do I have since we simply can't afford the option of overseas education) and if so, how am I going to support the school fees? Is it possible to apply for student loans if I don't even have a stable monthly income? Should I take a break from school and work for a year or two, saving enough money to get by in the 3-4 years in university? But what if I get bored of schooling then? Do I really want to graduate from university so late in life? What about my marriage plans? And if I head straight out to work and not go back to school, will I earn my desired salary with only a diploma? Ahhhhhh.

Now as much as I want to spend some quiet time in the evening reflecting and weighing these options and giving meaningful thought to what comes after graduation, there are many more issues that require my attention right now...

Anyway, last week was great. We had student deals at swensen's one day, when bf ended work early, and I was so full from that sinful lunch that I skipped dinner and the next day's breakfast altogether. We went out with some friends, and we had steamboat, watched movies, went for KTV...... And I need to go budget shopping at Bugis Street soon.

Apologise for the incoherent post, will do a proper one when I can afford the time.